Flashes February 8, 2010
When I get bored in class, I just start writing. The writings never turn into anything, either because I start listening to what’s going on in class, or I just lose the thought. I have mixed feelings about sharing them, because… yuck… but at the same time, why not? I’ll just call them flashes– like flash fiction, only they’re musings. Enjoi.
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One of these days.
One of these days, I’ll stop getting crushes on gay men. I’ll stop wearing shoes that kill my feet. I’ll stop biting my nails, and I’ll stop thinking I need to wear nail polish all the time. I’ll stop shop[ping]. I’ll stop buying books that I never read. I’ll stop buying journals that I never write in. I’ll stop writing off Judaism just because I don’t understand it. I’ll stop being a follower (or rather, a passive, alienated, pragmatist, or conformist follower). I’ll stop daydreaming and start doing. I’ll start wearing heels, saving money, going barefoot, putting sequins on my clothes, reading books, and dating. One of these days.
Talking.
Sometimes when I talk, my voice surprises me. Like it changes every time I open my mouth, or changes any time my personality and ideas change. Why? Is it just the way I hear my voice, or is it actually symbolic of the way I change, and the sound of my voice is just a facet of that, some way that those changes are tangible?
Lars.
If I ever had a kid (yikes), and if it was a boy (yikes), I would name him Lars. Lars Sahlin would be a hot name, and it would automatically label him somewhere between pretentious and artistically shy. He would have some Swedish pride by default, even if he had no idea what that heritage means.
… What does it mean?
What has Sweden ever done? No one ever talks about Sweden, or Norway, except to say that no one ever talks about it. All I know is that some furniture designers were from there. and they came up with these really cool chair ideas, like the egg chair and the ball chair, from the 70s. They were all futuristic at the time, and now they just look deco (read: dumb).
Insects.
I wonder why insects like technology so much. Ants crawl in laptops all the time. It gives a new meaning to planting a bug somewhere. Bugs must know that we associate them in some way with technology.
Exactly.
What would it take to hold my attention long enough to let this idea emerge?
Flash Poetry February 8, 2010
Cancel your cable
and meet me on the rooftop
bring your best shoes
and your worst champagne
we’ll never stop.
Poetry, pure poetry. February 6, 2010
An excerpt from a poem by Matthew Arnold, called "Dover Beach" Ah, love, let us be true To one another! for the world, which seems To lie before us like a land of dreams, So various, so beautiful, so new, Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain; And we are here as on a darkling plain Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, Where ignorant armies clash by night.
How amazingly unlikely is your birth February 6, 2010
Here, another instance of the “can I hear an amen?” thing that blogging is all about:
http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2010/02/oh-how-significant-we-are.html
And just to delightfully accompany that,
“The Galaxy Song” by Monty Python
Just remember that you’re standing on a planet that’s evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That’s orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it’s reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the ‘Milky Way’.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It’s a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it’s just three thousand light years wide.
We’re thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go ’round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space,
‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth.
Restless Teeth Syndrome. February 5, 2010
“My people were fair and had sky in their hair, now they’re content to wear stars on their brow.” – Marc Bolan prophetically titles a Tyrannosaurus Rex album. [From Hippie]
What is with love and stars lately?
Why are they so inexplicably mysterious, but universal?
I watched “Helvetica” tonight. If you’re not familiar with it, you can take pride in the fact that you are not an aesthetics nerd. I am, however, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes, it is precisely what it sounds like– a straight-faced documentary about the Helvetica font. It’s used for everything–you wouldn’t believe how often you see it and don’t realize it. Anyway, I’d wanted to watch it for a long time, and then I found it on Netflix instant (I swear, that is a Godsend) and decided on a whim to watch it.
There have been so many cool things I’ve watched recently. One was a documentary about the gospel songs of Bob Dylan, which was enlightening and inspiring (also on Netflix instant), the movie “Death in Venice” (based on the short story of the same name by Thomas Mann), and “This Is It,” about Michael Jackson’s last concert series, which never took place. All were amazing movies, though I wouldn’t necessarily recommend “Death in Venice.” It’s like a Lolita story, though my professors maintain that it is NOT about pedophilia. … Yeah, sure, whatever.
I went to a leadership conference in Portland (PDX) last weekend, where I met a lot of really fantastic people and just bummed around Portland the whole time. It was so much better on foot than in a car, and I cannot wait to go back just for that!
It really reinforced my desire to travel, though. I want to go to France so bad that my teeth hurt all the time and my mouth is always tense. I have senioritis, but since I’m not a senior I don’t have any of the excuses that I could normally use!
I have headaches and stomachaches all the time, my French is awful, I never do my homework, I hate my [non-] job, I never get enough sleep, I have zero love life, my room is a mess, I’m broke, and my hair is weird…
BUT I LOVE LIFE.
I’m having an absurdly amazing time being miserable! And it’s not even because I love complaining (which I try not to do outside of blogging anyway). I don’t know why life is so fantastic, but something must be going right.
I feel more creative than I have in a very long time, and most of the time I feel like I actually act on that creativity.
I have SO much to look forward to, and planning my France trip is the most amazing, independent experience I’ve ever had.
I am making decisions that help me feel guilt-free and open to new possibilities.
I have few NO regrets.
I’m learning and exploring new things all the time, and I feel like I’m actually getting something out of it.
I feel like an empty USB stick.
In my family we talk a lot about the various geniuses who have influenced and inspired us, and the source of their genius. Most of them can be considered insane (take Camille Claudel, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Van Gogh), but why?
Theory:
The truly creative geniuses of the world operate out of their unconscious, and so operate on a different plane– speaking to others on a “normal” level is beneath them, which is why they tend towards recluseness (reclusivity?).
It’s too bad, because they’re probably the ones who get to talk to the moon.
Kisses. February 4, 2010
I plant kisses in the sky,
right between you and I,
but the clouds all take them.
They sparkle like stars,
a thousand shiny scars,
but you never find them.
They pale next to the moon,
try to find their own tune,
and the daylight drowns them.
They are fragile and frail,
but I know they could prevail
if you would only take them.
They’ll blaze a path to you,
you’ll be their rescue,
and together we’ll share them.
Good Night, Moon. February 4, 2010
I was driving home today, and I saw the moon. Not just any moon, but one of those red ones that is at least twice the size of the “normal” vision we see of the moon. And though I knew I’d seen a moon like that before, this one hit me.
I mean, it really hit me.
My breath caught, and I said, “oh my god” a few times out loud to no one. It erased my thoughts, which is not a common phenomenon for me. It was so… close. Not the kind of close like I could reach out and touch it, but the kind of close like it was leaning on the horizon, with no intention of traveling to the other horizon, or even disappearing when the sun came. The kind of close like it was trying to tell me something. The kind of close like I needed to take heed.
It was an important moon.
There weren’t any other cars on my side of the highway, but a few were going the opposite direction. I wanted to hold up a sign to them that said “look in your rearview mirror!” but I wasn’t sure they would see the moon. Maybe it only showed itself to me. Maybe it was my moon.
My moon!
About a week and a half ago, I was taking the trash out and checking the mail when I looked up and saw that night’s moon. That night’s moon had a perfect orb of clouds around it that glowed as if the moon was a singular streetlight on the Milky Way. It was an important moon, but it didn’t want to be noticed. I was certain about that, because when I frantically called my mom (who always appreciates a good moon) and my dad (who might be able to tell me why it looked the way it did), they told me they couldn’t see it. It reminded me of ‘The Polar Express,” when the little boy is the only child who can hear Santa’s sleigh bell.
It was my important moon.
Both of these moons disappeared. By the time I got home tonight, the red moon was completely obscured, and not even in the same part of the sky that I remembered it.
The problem with the moon is that it’s too difficult to monitor. I can stay up all night watching it, but it will vanish during the day and take on an entirely different costume and character the next night.
What’s that they say about the inconstant moon? Shakespeare, of course. “Lest that thy love prove likewise variable” (Romeo and Juliet). The constance is in the fact that the moon is visible each night.
The moon– that’s what it’s all about. That’s what life is about, love, perception, inconstance, importance. It’s about staying awake to watch the moon. Saying “good night” as a greeting, instead of an adieu. People curse insomnia and being tired, but life is about being inspired. I’m inspired by the moon, so if I stay up to watch it, maybe it will prove constant.
Maybe it will stay my moon.
Love really is all you need. January 20, 2010
I say it all the time, and people get tired of hearing it.
People think Love is a given, like “yeah, there’s love in the world. Whatever. I don’t have that person yet, but it’s nice that other people express it. Like through music. Music is cool.” If you’re someone who says that, STOP. You may not realize it, but it’s hurting. Apathy is what kills Love before hate even takes a bite.
Love is not a given. That’s why people express it, and why it’s so taboo. That’s why there are so many self-imposed rules around Love that are actually quite meaningless. Those rules are what make us think that Love is for “that special person.” Rules are what make us think that Love has to be expressed at a certain time or place. We think Love isn’t spontaneous, because there are so many rules that say that it needs to be reserved for… something. I don’t know what.
Same with music. Why does it make us uncomfortable when people burst into song or start whistling, randomly? When did we start thinking that music had to happen in a recording studio or in a scheduled concert?
This video doesn’t help those points at all, since this Music and Love is very planned, but it does show that we don’t have to “hold out for love.” Love is all around us. We do have to accept the responsibility to pick it up and spread it.
I mean, for God’s sake (literally), there are people singing in Afghanistan, and my first thought when I saw that was, “wow, how did the Americans making this video get those Afghani people to trust them?!”
Since when do we have to TRUST people to make music with them and SPREAD LOVE?!
Also, need I point out that technically, it was the Beatles that brought people together like this? I think it is phenomenal that there is this one group whose music (even if it’s just this one song) has stretched to so many parts of the earth. We really are united… and it feels so good!
Inner Tumult… or desire for tumult? January 11, 2010
I know I’m young and I’m supposed to be going out and having meaningful experiences and all that–and I am–but sometimes I just have a peachy time learning about others through books.
I just finished watching “The History Boys” for maybe the 50th time (if you haven’t seen it, you should; it’s amazing and filled with English yumminess, if you know what I mean), and I’m realizing that I’m becoming the college student I always wanted to be. I already mentioned this.
Today I actually did my homework, and right now I’m blogging and listening to my Dark Romantics-inspired playlist on iTunes. It’s a mix of Tchaikovsky, Debussy, Michael Nyman (who did the soundtrack for that strange movie I wrote about), and a Renaissance album I have… none of which, I think, are Romantic-era, but all of which make me feel extremely sophisticated.
“Salome” was our literary assignment for this week, a play by Oscar Wilde. As I learned last year in Character Studies, all good literature apparently ends with the death of at least one character. This play was no exception, but since death is so predictable now (and how sad is THAT, by the way…) I was ok with it.
My only issue with school and class this quarter is that I fervently wish that it could take place at night, because right about now I have far too much energy to go to bed, even though tomorrow will be hell if I don’t. I think I’ll just exhaust myself doing situps or something.
I have so much energy that I sort of want to do a whole research project on something that doesn’t even matter. Something that I may use in the future… but I may not.
It’s that whole wanting to “get up and go” syndrome that I’ve talked about before. I cannot wait to travel, to see new things, new people, hear new music… I went to a concert last night, but it’s not enough. I want adventures and adrenaline rushes and blood pumping.
… Jesus, you’d think I was addicted to crack. I’m not, seriously. But it’s an idea…
just kidding.
Anyway, yeah. I need to do things. Every single day! Try something new! Sleep be damned, I am going to make this happen.
I shall become whiter than snow. January 7, 2010
I may not be the first to admit it, but I do come around after a while: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Just last night I read Psalm 50, and this morning we watched a movie in class that featured music based on Psalm 51. Clearly, I was supposed to continue on that tack.
I don’t even want to talk about the movie. That song was probably the best part of the movie, so it’s a good thing that it was sung by a young soprano boy.
However… I cannot find the song ANYWHERE. I found many versions of a song called “Whiter Than Snow,” which I know I’ve sung in church, but none of them sound like the one the boy sang. His was almost operatic, and extremely melodic, whereas all the ones I’m finding are contemporary and bland.
Any help would be greatly appreciated! If you need another clue, the movie was “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.” Please don’t watch it. Or, just watch a clip of the boy singing, because that’s the best part.
Pleasant Surprises January 7, 2010
I’ve said it before (but not here), but I’ll say it again: Talking about Tchaikovsky and Nietzsche makes me feel like the college student everyone wants to be. Or at least, I feel like the college student I always wanted to be. I have to listen to it and read it, respectively, to be able to talk about it, and for once that’s what I’m doing!
First, I found Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture on my iTunes (one of those moments of musical joy)… but initially that made me feel more like a budding anarchist (because I also realized that V’s symbol in V for Vendetta looks like an upside down anarchy symbol)… so I moved on to the Nutcracker Suite. But that made me feel like a stuffed mouse or a five-year-old, not a college student, so then I moved on to the Swan Lake suite, which I guess feels a little more refined.
Then, I began reading The Birth of Tragedy, and got all excited because its alternate title is “Out of the Spirit of Music,” which is what Life is. And Love. Here, Nietzsche says it best: “In song and dance man expresses himself as a member of a higher community; he has forgotten how to walk and speak and is on the way toward flying into the air, dancing. His very gestures express enchantment. … He is no longer and artist, he has become a work of art: in these paroxysms of intoxication the artistic power of all nature reveals itself to the highest gratification of the primordial unity.”
… Oh my God, why in the world didn’t I use that for my paper last year?!
This one is even better: “Now, with the gospel of universal harmony, each one feels himself not only united, reconciled, and rused with his neighbor, but as one with him, as if the veil of ‘maya’ had been torn aside and were now merely fluttering in tatters before the mysterious primordial unity.” I don’t know what “maya” is, but otherwise, that’s pretty much exactly what I was trying to say last year. AND I DIDN’T GET IT FROM NIETZSCHE!
Actually, that’s kind of depressing. I thought I had a bunch of original thoughts… but of course this philosopher said it better. Well… Maybe not better. I mean, mine DID take up 25 pages, and I am pretty damn proud of it. I spent so many hours of heartache over it, and Nietzsche probably just rattled it off in a couple minutes without much research or soul-searching. At least that means that mine was more personally interpretive and meaningful. …But alas, I am biased.
A Smile Is A Celebration. January 1, 2010
Hopefully blogging on January 1st is a good omen.
It’s not always the first of January.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we lived EVERY day as if it were the last (or first) day of the year? What if every night at midnight we counted down and then hugged strangers and threw confetti? Or, scratch the confetti (it would get expensive).
The year is broken up by various holidays, including birthdays, anniversaries, and ones not recognized by some people of other cultures and faiths. There are bound to be at least five days out of the year that are meaningful to each of us and our loved ones–days that we are bound to celebrate. But, there are 365 days in a year, and every day there are many people who have birthdays. Not people we know, of course… the point is that every day is specifically meaningful to someone. It would be really interesting to treat every day like it was someone’s birthday. Do something meaningful each day. Then if it helps, you can tell yourself you’re doing it for a person who happens to be having a birthday today.
So, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you are having a bad hair day, your schedule is crazy, and you just can’t seem to get anything done or laugh at anything. Unless you are in a coma or paralyzed (and I mean this in no offense to people who are in a coma or who are paralyzed), nothing should incapacitate your smile.
Smile at someone.
Even if it the only thing you are able to do in a day, and even if it isn’t immediately apparent to you or that person, a smile is meaningful. Tell yourself you’re doing that one meaningful thing for someone who is celebrating.
You know that exhilarating feeling when a holiday comes around or when we have birthday festivities, and the festivities give meaning to that day, so you know it’s something special. And then, we all have those days where we have cause to say, “this is not my day.”
But… when you stop to think about how many people are celebrating something on one single day of the year, and you think of them in that festive mindset, why would you pass up the opportunity to celebrate with them?!
A smile is your party favor, a gift to someone who may not have even been aware that there was a party.
Happiness-makers December 28, 2009
Sometimes I have multiple windows open on my computer, including many internet ones and other programs on my computer, like iTunes. Sometimes many or all of these windows display music sites or have music-playing capabilities. Sometimes, I will forget about them, and sometimes one will somehow just randomly start playing music.
You have no idea how much joy this gives me, though occasionally it is extremely startling.
I have so much music in my iTunes that I can’t possibly listen to all of it, and I haven’t actually heard all of it. To cure myself of this, I put the entire library on shuffle most of the time. Within 10 minutes, I will stumble across something that I haven’t heard and immediately love. Who knows how I came by the music in the first place– all I know is it’s incredible that I never discovered it on my computer before.
That gives me an immense amount of joy, too.
Procrastinating Christian December 26, 2009
It wasn’t with much excitement today that I accurately labeled myself a “procrastinating Christian.”
It’s that feeling where you know you have tons to do–There’s all that homework, and the messy kitchen, and the living room floor because you have people coming over, and what is the source of that awful smell?!–but there is always something to do before you can get started on all that. But, at least you’ve made the list of things to do, right? I’m not sure whether we consciously or subconsciously decide not to do all that work, but somehow it just never gets done. Am I right?
There is so much that I need to do and figure out before I could do something like devote myself to a God about whom I know relatively nothing. It would be like ordering a bride in the mail! Still, the longer I wait, the more I feel like a seamstress (in keeping with the mail-order bride analogy). I feel like I’m going to expire for God. …And now I’m resisiting the urge to go for a cheese metaphor.
Anyway, I know what I’m waiting for. I have zillions of pseudo-answers lined up for when people ask me why I haven’t accepted God into my life yet and confirmed myself as a Christian. They are all true, because there are SO many things I’m waiting for, but there is only one for which I would ignore all the others. I am torn, knowing that I will be forever waiting in vain, but knowing that I can never turn my back on the remote possibilities, and also knowing that the remote possibilities would be less remote if I was a confirmed Christian.
It all comes back to Love, which apparently I am not familiar with anyway. If I knew God, then I would know Love. If I knew Love, perhaps I would know God. Which comes first?!
The Vault. December 25, 2009
You know that part of “The Polar Express” where they’re trying to slow the train down before it hits the lake of ice, but the piece of metal flies out of the brake lever, so they can’t stop the train? For what seems like minutes, they grasp and grasp for that piece of metal, while it slips out of their fingers, down a grate on the floor of the train, down a man’s throat, until finally it is coughed up… only to fly out of the train’s window and puncture the ice, causing gashes in the surface that nearly signal the end for every passenger.
That little tiny piece of metal, and that moment where they’re so close to losing it… that’s what Love feels like to me, too much of the time. It’s exhilarating, and it’s definitely a rush of adrenaline, and that piece of metal is so precious and valuable… but it never really feels safe. It seems like it’s always something I’m trying to grasp, something that I need to hold on to but just can’t seem to get a grip.
I can’t remember the last time I really felt safe in Love, but I do know when it all fell apart. Ironically, it’s one of my most meaningful and cherished memories. At that time, I learned what it would take to fully be able to relax into Love and let it be my life.
Why is it so difficult to take that challenge? I hate feeling like I’m missing something, or like I’m too inadequate to be able to hold on to it. That’s not the way this is supposed to work. From a Christian perspective, if God is Love, and God made man in His own image, are we Love? I know we are capable of Loving and we are meant to Love, but what in the world does it take to access that? Why do I feel like by being born, I was given the key to this secret vault and told to open it and use what is inside to create and spread Peace, but I can’t use the key or access the vault or something?
WHY do I feel like I’m missing something?!
And why is it that whenever I receive a gift from people who mean so much to me, I feel like I’ve been given a clue?!
I want to give clues! I want to be a strong person who knows how to tell people to Love!
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Trust me, I know what this allegory is about, and it’s not Harry Potter. Or the Matrix. I wish it were that simple!
A Love Letter From John And Yoko: To People Who Ask Us What, When And Why December 22, 2009
Sunday, May 27, 1979
The past ten years we noticed everything we wished came true in its own time, good or bad, one way or the other. We kept telling each other that one of these days we would have to get organized and wish for only good things. Then our baby arrived! We were overjoyed and at the same time felt very responsible. Now our wishes would also affect him. We felt it was time for us to stop discussing and do something about our wishing process: The Spring Cleaning of our minds! It was a lot of work. We kept finding things in those old closets in our minds that we hadn’t realized were still there, things we wished we hadn’t found. As we did our cleaning, we also started to notice many wrong things in our house: there was a shelf which should never have been there in the first place, a painting we grew to dislike, and there were the two dingy rooms, which became light and breezy when we broke the walls between them. We started to love the plants, which one of us originally through were robbing the air from us! We began to enjoy the drum beat of the city which used to annoy us. We made a lot of mistakes and still do. In the past we spent lots of energy in trying to get something we thought we wanted, wondered why we didn’t get it, only to find out that one or both of us didn’t really want it. One day, we received a sudden rain of chocolates from people around the world. “Hey, what’s this! We’re not eating sugar stuff, are we?” “Who’s wishing it?” We both laughed. We discovered that when two of us wished in unison, it happened faster. As the Good Book says — Where two are gathered together — It’s true. Two is plenty. A New Clear Seed.
More and more we are starting to wish and pray. The things we have tried to achieve in the past by flashing a V sign, we try now through wishing. We are not doing this because it is simpler. Wishing is more effective than waving flags. It works. It’s like magic. Magic is simple. Magic is real. The secret of it is to know that it is simple, and not kill it with an elaborate ritual which is a sign of insecurity. When somebody is angry with us, we draw a halo around his or her head in our minds. Does the person stop being angry then? Well, we don’t know! We know, though, that when we draw a halo around a person, suddenly the person starts to look like an angel to us. This helps us feel warm towards the person, reminds us that everyone has goodness inside, and that all people who come to us are angels in disguise, carrying messages and gifts to us from the Universe. Magic is logical. Try it sometime.
We still have a long way to go. It seems the more we get into cleaning, the faster the wishing and receiving process gets. The house is getting very comfortable now. Sean is beautiful. The plants are growing. The cats are purring. The town is shining, sun, rain or snow. We live in a beautiful universe. We are thankful every day for the plentifulness of our life. This is not a euphemism. We understand that we, the city, the country, the earth are facing very hard times, and there is panic in the air. Still the sun is shining and we are here together, and there is love between us, our city, the country, the earth. If two people like us can do what we are doing with our lives, any miracle is possible! It’s true we can do with a few big miracles right now. The thing is to recognize them when they come to you and to be thankful. First they come in a small way, in every day life, then they come in rivers, and in oceans. It’s goin’ to be alright! The future of the earth is up to all of us.
Many people are sending us vibes every day in letters, telegrams, taps on the gate, or just flowers and nice thoughts. We thank them all and appreciate them for respecting our quiet space, which we need. Thank you for all the love you send us. We feel it every day. We love you, too. We know you are concerned about us. That is nice. That’s why you want to know what we are doing. That’s why everybody is asking us What, When and Why. We understand. Well, this is what we’ve been doing. We hope that you have the same quiet space in your mind to make your own wishes come true.
If you think of us next time, remember, our silence is a silence of love and not of indifference. Remember, we are writing in the sky instead of on paper — that’s our song. Lift your eyes and look up in the sky. There’s our message. Life your eyes again and look around you, and you will see that you are walking in the sky, which extends to the ground. We are all part of the sky, more so than of the ground. Remember, we love you.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono
New York City
PS. We noticed that three angels were looking over our shoulders when we wrote this!
From the back page of The New York Times Sunday, May 27, 1979
“The New Love Song” by Joshua James Lyrics December 22, 2009
So you say you want a love song
One to move your feet onto
I’ll sing a real life tune
So you say you want a love song,
One to trick your girlfriend with
I hope my little number will do….
Lets stop our busy lives awhile
And think of the many many people
Across the many miles of earth
That have no clothes, no food to eat.
And what about the air we breathe,
to the food we eat,
Are filled with things that kill,
Our deaths are closer than we think.
Well another silly love song could make me sick
About a heart broke emo rocker and his messed up chick
Are we so deaf dumb and blind we can’t see the candlestick
Burnin down
Wakes up on her Monday morn
Its just another cup of coffee
In her run down place called home
She makes her way out to the car
The radio blares to drown
All the many many faces in her life
That at one time cared
But they have all moved away and gone.
Now to work she goes
Removing all her clothes
For all the perverse older men in our sickly generation
But they don’t, no, they don’t give a damn
Well another silly love song could make me sick
About a stupid emo rocker and his messed up chick
Are we so deaf dumb and blind we can’t see the candlestick
Burnin down, it’s burnin down
Said open your souls, said open your minds
Another silly love song could make me sick
I could say hello but I want a conversation
I could love till I’m dead but how long will I live
Till I’m down
We’re burnin down
Winter Music Playlist December 22, 2009
I’m developing my winter music playlist. So far, it consists of Bon Iver, Real Estate, and Iron & Wine. I’m also invoking the Muse of Paste Magazine to inspire it. What should I add?
Which came first? December 22, 2009
I have a conundrum for you.
The other day in church, the pastor asked, “Did you ever think about what the world would be like if God had not made music?” I had, in fact, thought about it, but this time was different.
I wonder, do you think God made the concept of music first and then humans, so that we could create it and enjoy it, or do you think he made humans and included in us the capability of making and enjoying music?
Optimism in Vogue December 19, 2009
I can’t decide whether “waiting on the world to change” is pessimistic or optimistic–not as a song, but as a concept. When my mom first heard the song, she did not approve. She said, “why would we just wait for the world to change? What an odd thing to promote. You’d think people would get up offa their asses and actually do something themselves.” Okay, she didn’t quite say that. Anyway I told her, in absolute defense of John Mayer, that the song was supposed to be ironic. John Mayer was trying to tell everyone that we shouldn’t just sit around all the time and wait for the world to change. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess I like it.
The point is, it’s an odd phrase. Pessimistic because regardless of what John Mayer might have meant by it, it sort of implies that we’re at a complete loss as to what to do or how to accomplish what we think needs to be done about our world. But it’s optimistic because at least we know something needs to be done, and we know that change is good.
That optimism is hard to find lately. I’ve been noticing with my friends that sometimes we tend to only bond when we’re complaining about the same things or bitching together. When we agree, we agree and leave it at that. I hate it. I’ve even brought this up to a couple friends, who agreed that they found it frustrating as well, and then we started bitching some more about it.
What is wrong with us, that we can’t find joy in even the lowliest sparrow, and share that joy with others?
Why is it so easy to find things to complain about, when really there is an exponentially greater number of things that we could choose to find fascinating, outstanding, awesome (in the REAL meaning of the word), or touching?
Why is it that in thinking about this problem, all I can do is blame some people (like the media, for only reporting on negative news and issues)? Current events can be depressing, but why have we trained ourselves to never look at the subtexts? For instance, The Copenhagen discussions that have been going on about global warming– for a while, we were learning the facts about what was getting done. Suddenly the conference is over, and all we can do is talk about what didn’t get done. People don’t realize that we are so lucky to have come out on the other side of the conference with even more questions and topics at hand. For one thing, we’re strengthening our international relations. But also, it is so easy to forget that science is all about asking questions! When we did science experiments in middle school, the goal was to prove our hypothesis correct through our experiment. In high school, the goal was simply to explore more about our hypothesis. If it turned out to be right, we needed to know the variables that could actually make it true or false in difference cicumstances. If it turned out to be incorrect, we learned how to ask more questions to narrow down what might have gone wrong, what we needed to improve on, and what else we could consider for the future. The latter was so much more of a learning experience than simply proving ourselves right through the same steps that had been performed countless times before.
Why are we so afraid of asking questions and being unsure of ourselves? I do not operate under the belief that ignorance is bliss, but rather, that the road to enlightenment is paved with doubt, and the only way to recover from that doubt is to be optimistic. And the only way to be optimistic is to have hope. The only way to have hope is to have faith in humanity. The way to have faith in humanity is to have faith in yourself, as a member of humanity who will make a difference. And the way to have faith in yourself is by being the change that you wish to see in the world.
Be.Love.
Seriously, what would YOU choose? December 13, 2009
So, Verizon is like, “OMG look at our map! It is so much more covered than AT&T’s!”
And AT&T is like, “PSHH, Verizon doesn’t even HAVE a map!”
And T-Mobile is like, “Well, if you want to sing out, sing out, and if you want to be free, be free, cuz there’s a million things to be, you know that there are…”
“You’ve Got [a new blog entry]“ December 13, 2009
[Warning: Plot spoilers!!!]
There aren’t many movies anymore that are predictable but still as entertaining and touching as ever. If you’ve ever seen “You’ve Got Mail,” you probably saw the ending in the first five minutes, but it doesn’t matter. You still get really tense when Kathleen is mean to Joe, even when he knows who she is.
And your heartbeat still quickens when he makes so many insinuations to her relationship with “that guy you know from the internet” and we alllll know that he IS that guy!
First of all, I have to say that I LOVE that I have the exact same haircut as Meg Ryan in this movie.
Second, I LOVE the soundtrack. Harry Nilson and Randy Newman ALL the way!
But when the flirting really starts, which isn’t even until like the last 15 minutes of the movie, it is glorious. They talk about this man who she thinks she hasn’t met, and in reality he is right there. They talk about everything they’ve said online, but she thinks all these topics are new, and he knows everything they have both said.
Her interest peaks as he continues to say coincidental things, and he critiques this guy… And then they talk about their relationship as enemies, friends, or lovers, then go on their separate ways… Just after he practically tells her he loves her, makes her all confused, and tries to manipulate her into liking him better than the “other guy.”
Little does she know, of course, that later that same day he will be rounding the same corner…
Ahhh, and then there.he.is. His golden retriever, Brinkley, bounds ahead of him, and Harry Nilson sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” and she starts crying, and he says “don’t cry, Shopgirl, don’t cry,” which is actually a really corny line but it works in this instance, and she says, “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly,” which is correct grammar, so good for her.
Anyway, “You’ve Got Mail” is old. It’s ancient, in fact. It is so old that their computers do that dial-up beep-beep-beeeep-boop-boop-boop-beep-chssssshshshhcccchhhhhhskskkkkshshchhhhshschchshshhhhhh noise before logging into AOL, where a cool male voice would say, “you’ve got mail.” It is so old that people actually emailed, and knowing someone just through the internet was considered very new and different.
But now, it’s one of those movies that skipped “old” in the genre scheme and went straight to “classic.” As it should.
Essay 4: Heuristic Analysis December 6, 2009
Essay Prompt: Johnstone’s Discourse Analysis presents a heuristic for exploring discourse. These are listed on page 10 and each is developed in a separate chapter. Choose one of these and present your own understanding of it by drawing on our reading, the projects you have done, and our discussions. You should carefully consider the points Johnstone raises, but this question requires your own synthesis of the materials and not a reiteration of the points she makes.
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4: Heuristic: Discourse is shaped by participants, and discourse shapes participants. (Johnstone, 2008, p.10)
This heuristic is so all-encompassing that it’s almost like using a term in its own definition. However, I am especially interested in it because it seems to incorporate H. Paul Grice’s maxims of conversation. The most fascinating part to me about what we’ve learned this quarter about discourse and linguistics is the way we are so blind to the way we operate. Invariably, I have at least one of Grice’s maxims running through my head at any given time that I am talking to someone, and that has been true since long before I even knew what Grice’s maxims were. I know that I change and grow because of my discussions with people, and that was true even before I learned that Barbara Johnstone believed that I can, in turn, change and shape discourse.
“Conversational conventions… allow the various sentence meanings to be sensibly combines into discourse meaning and integrated with context” (Fromkin, Rodman, and Hyams, 2007, p. 205). If these conversational maxims are the most fundamental level from which we build discourse, they are also the level at which it is broken down. They are not rules, but they do carry a substantial weight, greater than indexicalities, style, behavior, and other tools we use create discourse. The maxims are an explanation of how we understand each other. Without body language, implicature, and harmony, if we upheld the maxims we would still be able to understand each other.
To change or flout Grice’s maxims is to shape our discourse. For instance, the word “dude” violates the maxim of quantity, which means to “say neither more nor less than the discourse requires.” No discourse requires the word “dude,” but by adding it we shaped discourse. Now, the word “dude” has social implications; with different tones it can create solidarity or detachment. It influences what we think about equality and our own identities. We shaped our discourse by breaking down a conversational maxim, but now our discourse is shapes us when we have to pay attention to how we use the word, its context, to whom we are speaking, and our “cool solidarity,” as Kiesling puts it (Johnstone, 2008, p. 286).
Look what’s shaping up now.
Essay #3: Project Idea/Proposal December 6, 2009
Essay Prompt: Present a project design of your own to explore a question you have about naturally occurring conversation. The response to this question will have two sections, Introduction and Methodology. You may build on research you have done for your final project, any previous projects, or you may choose a new project. Write a one-paragraph introduction which draws upon our work in this program to explain why your project is important. End this section with a research question or hypothesis. Then explain your methodology. How will you gather data? How will you choose your participants in the study? If you will ask your participants questions, list them. If you ask participants to discuss something, provide the prompt. Will you record data at the moment or later? Will you audio tape or videotape? Be very specific. Include in your explanation of methodology the crucial explanation of why, in your view, the methodology you have chosen will provide the answer to your research question.
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3: Introduction:
Project Description: You will be recording a meeting, transcribing a section of that recording, and analyzing the transcription. Videotape a student group meeting for at least 20 minutes. This student group should have at least five members present at the meeting (there should be men and women) and they should have a prepared agenda for their meeting with at least two topics to discuss or on which to make decisions. After the meeting, analyze your video recording carefully, and select for your transcription a discussion about one of the topics on the agenda, in which at least two members spoke. For your analysis, use both your transcription and the video recording, and answer the following question: What discourse methods, styles, and behaviors does each speaker exhibit in order to address the agenda topic and finalize the issue?
Importance to the program: I think this would be a very interesting topic, particularly because of my involvement with a student group myself. I was very careful to make this assignment different from the one we did analyzing the seminar discussion. The idea of addressing a certain topic and the pressure to come to a definitive conclusion about it is fascinating and very distinct—I don’t believe it is something that happens in a seminar. It’s one thing to sit in a seminar and be able to talk at length about a certain topic, but students don’t need to make decisions or even come to final conclusions… or at least not on behalf of anyone but themselves. So I think that to analyze students getting business done in the student group setting would be very compelling. I would also be interested in what (if any) type of government this group would use, because this will affect how each person is involved in the discussion and decision-making process. Do they have a leader who will make the ultimate decision, but not without some input of other members first? Do they need to reach a consensus? Do they take a vote?
Methodology: Though I’d love to analyze a Cooper Point Journal meeting from a linguistic standpoint, I would record the Geoduck Union for this project. I would be especially interested in stance and face-saving acts, but I would also focus on backchannelling, politeness, and hedging. These would show up in how people expressed their opinions, how they made motions about the topics at hand, and how they changed subjects. Then I would examine how effective all this was by seeing what decisions they reached, how they reached them, and the timeliness of their decision (based on their agenda).
I wouldn’t do any extra research on the Geoduck Union before going in or doing the transcription and analysis, because I would like to do the project with few preconceptions. However, maybe in the last step of my analysis, I would look up whether any members had any special roles in the Union or in that meeting to determine how they used those roles.
Essay #2: Men & Women December 6, 2009
Essay Prompt: Do men and women talk differently? Choose a response to this yes/no question and support it with at least three studies cited in your text, Language and Gender. In your response, take into account the argument -that Eckert and McConnell-Ginet present, which is summarized in chapter 9.
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2: To Penelope Eckert and Sally McConnell-Ginet, the issue doesn’t seem to be whether men and women talk differently—that is a resounding “yes,” with which I agree—but rather what creates these differences. The differences don’t seem to be distinguished by our sex, but by our gender. We indicate this with the words we use and even in our appearances. This is the concept which Eckert and McConnell-Ginet refer to as “gender performativity” (2003, p. 315). Judith Butler (1990) argues similarly that the idea of gender that influences the differences in our talk as men and women doesn’t come from being male or female (or having a “’core’ gender identity”), but rather from carrying the roles of a gender. “… It is those [gendered] activities that create the illusion of a core. … Those expressions of gender are deployments of linguistic resources” (Eckert, McConnell-Ginet, 2003, p.316).
These “gendered activities” also give us the notions of style and behavior that are specific to one gender or another. When we say that men and women talk differently, we are examining styles and behaviors and assigning them to one gender or another. To say that a woman talks like a woman, we are saying that her speech uses feminine styles and behaviors.
For instance, one style that Eckert and McConnell-Ginet say is feminine is a very forward pronunciation of the “s” phoneme, which is said right behind the upper front teeth. “The phonological system, which carrying no content in itself, is a potent resource for encoding social meanings” (Eckert, McConnell-Ginet, 2003, p. 62). Because we tend to interpret this “s” sound as prissy or feminine, we might think that men who use it are more feminine, or gay. We develop subconscious expectations about how masculine men should pronounce the /s/, even extending to suppositions about a man’s sexual orientation. Knowing this, a man might change the way he pronounces the /s/ in order to give the right social meaning.
An even more subtle way of indexing and presenting gender through talk is facework.
“…It is in conversation that we work out who we are in relation to others, and who others will allow us to be. The individual connects to the social world at the nexus where we balance who we want to be with who others will allow us to be. … Gender ideology and assumed gender identity enter into shaping both the face individuals want to project and the face others are willing to ascribe to them” (Eckert, McConnell-Ginet, 2003, p. 59).
A major audience for our interactions is the opposite sex (and usually the opposite gender), and the idea of saving face for the other gender is very important. It is this concept that encourages women to pronounce a feminine /s/, raise the pitch of their voice, and even carry their gender through their outward appearance. Eckert and McConnell-Ginet demonstrate that gender is a fundamental shaper of discourse, whether it is subtle or overtly obvious.
Essay #1: Identity December 6, 2009
Essay Prompt: In this program we have been exploring the argument that we construct our identity, in part, through conversation. Our identity is not something that we develop internally, but a construct that we create and maintain moment by moment through everyday talk by drawing on linguistic resources, including silence. Look back at our readings and choose at least three chapters or journal articles that you find particularly useful because of the evidence provided. Then, present an argument for the social construction of identity drawing on the evidence you have chosen.
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1: Being one of the dudes: something humans are striving for on a daily basis, whether we know it or not. Showing solidarity with people is something that is so inherently important to us that we don’t realize we’re doing it simply by saying the word “dude.” Studies have shown that students, both male and female, use it for commiseration and confrontation (Kiesling, 2004). Indexing masculinity is very important to a man’s identity, both in what his peers think of him and what he thinks of himself. In fact, Scott Kiesling even coined the term “cool solidarity” to refer to the ways the men use the word “dude” to talk to each other (p.286). Kiesling states, “Dude thus carries indexicalities of both solidarity (camaraderie) and distance (nonintimacy) and can be deployed to create both of these kinds of stance, separately or together” (2004, p. 286).
Barbara Johnstone makes a more general observation that, “People constantly create and renegotiate their relationships with each other in the process of interacting, via discourse moves that make claims to equality, inequality, solidarity, or detachment” (2008, p. 139). In transforming our identity, we are always analyzing how we are similar to and different from others, and using our analyses to shape our discourse. For instance, the more differences we notice about another person from the beginning, the more likely it is that we will form a detached relationship with them through our conversations.
It is these interactions that base further conversation, which is where we build even more ideas about “equality, inequality, solidarity, or detachment.” We find more that we have in common, push boundaries, and make more choices about what to say or not say. Johnstone says, “…however people’s linguistic resources and choices are limited by the ways in which their behavior forms part of the whole ecology of human social life – the fact that participants in discourse are individual human beings means that discourse is fundamentally creative” (2008, p. 157). Our creativity embodies our identity, and vice versa; even if we limit our creativity by conforming to social norms (like saying “dude”), we are able to make that choice and are therefore using creativity to develop an identity.
Using the word “dude” and repeating other catch phrases, which Ferrara (2004) is quoted by Johnstone as calling “mirroring” and “echoing,” and which is also called backchannelling, “can create rapport, the feeling of harmony among interlocutors which, it can be argued, is one of the primary functions of conversation” (Johnstone, 2008, p. 173). This feeling of harmony is, if not the real goal for any conversation, a genuinely rewarding byproduct of discourse that indicates solidarity. We learn to generate this harmony, thus creating identity.
Forced Constraint December 6, 2009
I am SO TIRED. But not sleep-deprived. I am tired of doing the bare minimum, tired of having limitations. Life would be so much better if I didn’t have to conform, if I could do whatever I wanted in my writing. For examples, I should post on here my take-home exam essays–the ones I COULD have written, and the ones I actually wrote.
I have a couple friends who were in this class called Creativity and Constraint last year, and because of their experience I understand why constraints can be beneficial in writing. But I think they are more just an exercise to get creative juices flowing, not a way to actually choose to write. In other words, putting constraints on a piece of writing should be a last resort. At least, that’s the way I learn.
Even though you may have no background knowledge of linguistics, gender studies, discourse analysis, or other variables of speech, I invite you to read the essays I recently wrote on the subjects.
Using class for real-life application, take one: a face-threatening act. December 6, 2009
I just met someone who took a class from my teacher (we’ll call her Fiskars), and thought she was talking about some elements of the class that she disliked, she wasn’t saying anything terribly negative about Fiskars, either. We agreed on most things about the class, but finally I had to say something about Fiskars.
I didn’t know the girl I was talking to at all, so I didn’t know whether she was the type who would have liked Fiskars or not. Plus, since she was talking pretty positively about the elements of the class but carefully avoiding the subject of Fiskars, I thought I had pretty good reason to believe that she might have liked Fiskars.
However, I couldn’t resist. She said something about transcriptions and I said “yeah” noncommittally, gearing up to risking my face… then I said “yeah, not a big fan.” Of course, the girl thought I was talking about transcriptions, which was my fault, so she had to say, “oh, I actually rather liked them,” and I had to say, “oh, me too… I was talking about [Fiskars].”
I was so wrapped up in being nervous about my face that I can’t even remember how she responded. I guess that means I didn’t have to save my face afterwards, though.
It was an interesting interaction. Finally, I was able to have the presence of mind to realize what was going on while it was actually happening, and to observe myself in the process.
