The whole mothering thing is SO not instant-gratification oriented. It’s absolutely more “you’ll thank me later,” which is why I could never be satisfied by it. Yet another reason that being a mother would just not happen very well for me. Besides the preliminary pregnancy part, which I would be loathe to go through because of morning sickness, swollen ankles, crabbiness, and stretch marks, there’s the actual entire rest-of-your-life commitment. And since I could never think of myself as going through that with a man, I couldn’t ever go through it with child.
Having to see time pass is bad enough when I’m witnessing it in myself, my friends, and (worst–or most painful–of all) my parents, and I can’t imagine going through the hell of watching a child grow up. I told my parents that once and they replied, with tears in their eyes, that that very thing can be the most rewarding part of all. I was incredulously silent. I’m glad they were happy to watch me grow up… but meanwhile, for my entire life I’ve been plagued with fear and worry about the moments when I have to see them go. I don’t really mind death (after all, it’s rather to be expected), and I’ve been able to accept its inevitability with all of my family members except my parents. It always seems that ANY time would be too soon. Plus, I feel like I’ve had to think about it more because my parents have always been older than most of my friends’ parents. As one friend pointed out today, she said, “I would have kids early, because if you wait too late… that’s so much less time that you get to spend together.” And I realized that could be true with my parents. They’re very healthy, but what mine are “first”?
I know that’s morbid; I’m leaving it there. Anyway, just more reasons for me not to have kids. All of my friends have these desires to be motherly, or to be pregnant, or something. I don’t really get it. One of my friends said it was weird that I didn’t want kids because I seemed so maternal. I can have a “motherly” role to my friends, or whoever needs me, but I don’t think I can have my own. And I can worship my friends’ from afar…
Which leads to my ultimate goal: to be the BEST godmother EVER. Well, second to mine. I think that’s because some of the most meaningful relationships in my life have been with aunt-like women or godmothers. I want to be that secondary figure in someone’s life, because everyone knows you don’t tell your parents everything anyway (well, I do… but most don’t). I want to be someone who can keep those secrets, instead of being the person the secrets are kept from. That’s such a lamentable role.
That’s my drone for the day.
Oh, and here’s to my 100th post! my goodness. I feel like I should have something a little more uplifting for number 100… but, I’m not feeling very imaginative, so this is what you’re getting. Since… I don’t have (m)any readers anyway. :P
Title courtesy of Paul Simon, from his album Surprise. Listen to this song; it’s amazing, and something I hope my dad would say/sing to me, because it’s just like our relationship. mmm, I love my daddy!
Ok, I love BOTH my parents (because there’s always the chance they might read this…haha). Actually, that’s another reason I don’t want a kid: because I don’t think he/she would be as honest as I am, or communicative, or whatever, and (the worst part) that would fall on me, and it would be my fault somehow, because I don’t know anything about parenting, and I could never do as good a job as my parents did. (Insert “aww” :)
Thanks, M&D. I love you MORE!
