S.O.S. – An open letter to my mother November 26, 2009

Dear Mom,

I really wish you didn’t know so much… I wish you couldn’t read me with a single glance, sum up my feelings, and talk to me like I already know how I feel.

I don’t. Or I didn’t…

But, thanks to your offhand confusing statement, I’m even more confused, and now I’m worried about being confused! What do I do now?

I, of course, sit worried, wringing my hands and paying way too much attention to my feelings.

So seriously, you should help me out. Cuz it wasn’t so helpful when you laughed off “love” like it was nothing. It most certainly is… I think. Clearly, you know more about it and you’re able to identify it. Help?

Love,

Your girl.

“S.O.S.” by Abba:

So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

Make it better. November 18, 2009

So True November 16, 2009

Play. Laugh. Grow. November 15, 2009

Lately, I’ve had this near-constant feeling of wanting to GET UP AND GO. Maybe you know it: where your butt starts tingling after sitting in a chair for longer than a half hour, and your feet keep twitching, and you look at pictures of Paris and nearly cry.

I know I’m going abroad in the spring, and I’m having lots of fun in Oly and at my apartment and with my friends. And honestly, even though I have the drive, I don’t really have the energy to do much other than just watch other people do amazing things. Eventually I will get to do them, too.

I have a bunch of friends who aren’t in college, and I read a bunch of websites about internships and jobs at all the places I would like to eventually be, like NYTimes, magazines, Pandora.com, and lots of others. In some ways I feel cooped up being in college, in one apartment, one town, one state… with still the same life goals. I don’t have any regrets about getting an education now, but because it’s so expensive and because I hate my class so much, I do wonder if there are many other things I could be working at. I really value the experience I’m getting with the paper (and the advisor talked to me again the other day about becoming editor-in-chief, which is insanely exciting), but I can’t help thinking all the time about the fact that I don’t actually want to work at a paper!

Earlier in the quarter I was telling my parents that usually at college, it’s so easy to just take random classes and get tons of credits and lose sight of where exactly you’re going in an education. You have to plan for what credits to get, but other than that, you’re just taking a bunch of unrelated classes that eventually are supposed to come together and sync up with what you’re interested in. But at Evergreen, it’s harder to not think about your eventual life and academic goals all the time during a program and during the year. If you can’t see where you’re going, why are you in that program? If you’re not connecting to your more broad (or more specific) academic focus, what are you doing?!

That’s why it’s so frustrating that I’m in this program and I’m being restricted to not involve my long-term interests.

So maybe I just feel antsy because of my academic frustrations. That would make a lot of sense. Also, Thanksgiving break is coming up, so hopefully I will get my kicks out then.

Love? Love. Live. November 12, 2009

Ok, so there are some songs that make you cry, right? “Let It Be” is one of those for me, as is “Imagine.” That’s why, even though I love love love those songs, I don’t listen to them very often.

But, have you ever just loved the experience of listening to music so much that it just made you want to cry? Maybe I’m just overly emotional, but that’s what The Mountain Goats are doing to me.

Two nights ago, I liked tMG a lot. I’d listened to probably 30-40 songs of theirs, and I definitely had a few favorites memorized. I definitely liked them enough to spend $20 on their concert in Seattle, but was unfamiliar with them enough that I would have second-guessed getting that ticket if I knew that it would really turn out to be over $30.

I didn’t think John Darnielle was particularly attractive.

I even have to confess that I didn’t like his voice all that much most of the time.

Also, one of my two favorite songs was pretty much their most famous single, which always makes me feel like a bad fan, because I always feel like I should know more obscure material, especially if I like the band enough to go to one of their concerts. It’s like how die-hard Jason Mraz fans (such as myself) hate it when people who only know “I’m Yours” go to his concerts. I want to tell them to sit down, shut up, and listen to Curbside Prophet.

Anyway, there’s also a ton of tMG history that I am still not familiar with. Like John Darnielle’s time in rehab… or even his age. I don’t know if it’s weird that I don’t want to go to someone’s concert without knowing this stuff first, but it’s true. I felt especially bad going with someone who knew everything and was just about as mesmerized as a person could be.

I’m not really sure whether to make this long story short or not.

There’s so much that I could say… about the openers, the crowd, the songs, the performance, John Darnielle, my friend’s bordering-on-religious experience (he’s probably so euphoric that he won’t eat for days…), about how they played my absolute favorite tMG song, “Love Love Love.” And actually, he played my other favorite song also, “This Year.”

Here’s the setlist:

[band]
1. 1 samuel 15:23
2. letter from belgium
3. isaiah 45:23
4. cotton
5. romans 10:9
6. love love love
[john]
7. orange ball of peace
8. sign of the crow
9. woke up new
10. thank you mario, but our princess is in another castle
11. 1 john 4:16 [w/ final fantasy]
12. going to fucking bristol [w/ owen pallett on violin and john on vocals; no guitar]
[band]
13. hebrews 11:40
14. hast thou considered the tetrapod
15. psalms 40:2
16. against pollution
17. this year
[break]
18. ezekiel 7 and the permanent efficacy of grace
19. no children
20. the best ever death metal band in denton
[break]
21. see america right

And ever since I saw this concert, I don’t really know what to do with myself. Granted, it’s only been about 24 hours, and I’ve kept very busy, but still. It was an amazing show… and I don’t really know whether to laugh, or cry, or just listen to their music continuously, or hold off on listening to it to savor the memory, or what.

Some moments last forever, and some flare up with love, love, love.

Observing Ghostland November 10, 2009

I don’t think it’s possible to describe a laser light show to someone who has never seen one, but I’m going to try anyway.

Saturday night was the first time I’d gone to a concert where I had no idea who the headliners were or even really their genre. I didn’t pay for the ticket, which is a plus, but it would have been worth it even if I had. I was a little bored waiting for the show to start, but there was a DJ and it was a woman, which was cool to experience.

For …various reasons, I was pretty apprehensive once the show was about to start. We were right in the middle of the crowd, and I was terrified that the scene was going to turn into a mosh pit and we were going to get trompled and stepped on, and I was going to get sick and hot and miserable. My friends said, “it’s not that kind of show.”

Then the music started, and it became a little more clear that the crowd wasn’t going to be such a problem… but was the music going to be too loud? I was a little afraid that it was going to be a little too intense. My friends didn’t say anything– they were pretty wrapped up in the show, being the ones who actually knew what they were hearing.

Then… the laser light show started. My breath caught momentarily and I got nervous about getting sick again, but then it was too cool to miss by being sick, so I decided not to be sick, and instead to immensely enjoy this new experience.

Ghostland Observatory played for maybe an hour and a half, and it was the fastest hour and a half concert I think I’ve ever been to. I don’t remember being at a concert where I liked the music less, but wanted it to go on more.

It’s not my favorite genre, I must admit. It’s sort of electronica/rock/experimental, which I generally have very little patience with. I’m not sure whether the light show is what made it amazing, or just my state of mind, or what. I got home and tried to listen to the band on eMusic, and I could barely get through one song.

I don’t care. From now on, I have a resolution to broaden my horizons, even if it pegs me as a hipster (which, actually, I take a forbidden pleasure in–and I think that means I don’t really stand a chance of being a hipster anyway).

Re-gathering November 10, 2009

I finally cut the cord on that awful freelance writing project that was hanging over my head for 6+ weeks. I feel pretty liberated– then again, I probably technically let go of the idea a couple weeks ago. At least now I can go on Skype without being terrified that the guy is going to confront me about the project. I really do feel awful about quitting on him, but it’s also true that I’ve been completely overwhelmed lately.

Overwhelmed by music.

People you knew. November 9, 2009

It’s sad when people you know become people you knew.

Are You Onboard? November 7, 2009

I just discovered a great new artist, Eric Bibb. His style is a right-on mix of folk, blues, and gospel, without being boring, too roots-y, or too preachy. I came across his website by way of StumbleUpon, which is another newfound joy that may just deserve its own post later. So the first song I heard, which came up instantly on the website, was “New Beale Street Blues.” It was such a great introduction. It reminded me a little of New Orleans (even though it’s about Memphis).

Besides having a great style, his songs and the album I downloaded (and frankly, the only one I have listened to) are very smooth. Not in a lame “smooth jazz” kind of way, but in a way that flows extremely well. He has a beautiful voice and his guitar work compliments it perfectly.

iTunes categorizes Bibb as Blues, which I would say is correct. I was a little worried that he would be pegged as gospel or Christian, and I don’t think his style exemplifies that slant all the time. Even if this isn’t the sort of thing you’d normally check out, I would look him up on eMusic or just at his website.

I have downloaded “Get Onboard” and “Natural Light,” along with only 9 tracks of “A Ship Called Love,” because I ran out of credits at eMusic (and already bought a booster pack today for the first album. sigh), and I highly recommend all of them so far. I will say that “A Ship Called Love” seems to have a little weird drumwork… a sort of monotonous, Stevie-Wonder-esque new age-y-ness. But other than that, I am very much enjoying it all. Plus, all the song titles are great, and in my book that goes a long way.

Momentary Bitch. Please tune back in after these messages. November 7, 2009

You know those bad surprises? The ones you discover and then feel like you got punched in the stomach, maybe multiple times?

Yeah. Just experienced one of those–in conjunction with about 3 solid doses of irony.

I’m not going to mince words–I feel like shit. Haven’t started crying yet, but maybe that’s an even worse sign.

(In other news, I just typoed and wrote “song” instead of “sign.” So let’s move on to that.)

Talking shouldn’t be this complicated. November 5, 2009

Sometimes I forget I’m talking to people. Like, I finish talking to them and then realize that I wasn’t really talking to them like they’re real people; I’m talking to them like I’m in a video game and the sentence I have to say to them is my challenge. I feel like I cheat them out of my real thoughts, but I don’t know if they can tell.

I don’t remember which school of thought states that maybe there aren’t actually multiple people in the world–maybe there’s just me, and God (or some external force) puts other people and situations on earth just to test me and teach me. It’s an interesting-if a little narcissistic-idea.

It also helps me think of things more linearly … as in, it helps me be more diplomatic in my approach to people. I don’t worry so much about figuring out how to please each person individually, because they exist as a learning experience for me.

But then, one has to wonder, what if they think the same thing? What if I’m simply a learning experience for them? Clearly, then, life is not this existential illusion. But that, too, is a learning experience.

Put a smile in your voice. November 4, 2009

Have you ever seen someone looking around, arranged your face into a pleasant half-smile (just in case they look at you, you want to look friendly) and looked away, then looked back at them and they’re smiling because they saw your smile and it was contagious? It’s a really good feeling :) And it takes almost no energy at all–just a little presence of mind. Try it!

By the way, I have very little patience with myself when I hold off on blogging for the “right time” or until I have a good idea, or until I can elaborate on a thought. So I think I’m just going to treat it like it’s a Twitter account with a more lengthy character limit and write thoughts as they come up. Especially because most of the time I’m sitting in the most boring and annoying class in the world. Leave me comments!

The News That Matters November 4, 2009

“EMI and Apple Corps have announced they will be releasing a limited edition apple-shaped USB drive containing all 14 of the remastered Beatles albums as well as artwork, documentaries and other extras.

On 7 December, 30,000 of the drives will go on sale for £200 each.”

 

 

http://digg.com/d3196aj

Wizard Rock Festival in MO November 4, 2009

If you go to wizard rock festivals, you never know when shallow wizard rock may turn into something genuinely inspired. If you don’t go, you don’t even know if it’s possible. For that reason, I wish I was going to this weekend festival in Potosi, Missouri. I’d love to be there to support the Harry Potter nerdiness.

www.wrockstock.com

Insanely Short Untitled Poem #2 November 3, 2009

I don’t belieeeeeeve you.

Can you state it from a throne?

Would you take it into battle?

Would it make it on its own?

I don’t believe you.

Untitled Poem #1 November 3, 2009

I think this is the first original poem I’ve posted. I don’t really like writing poetry, and there’s very little poetry I actually appreciate (sorry, everyone)… so don’t go easy on it!

::::::::::::::

thread in, thread through.

needle in, heart through.

eyes open, staring round,

mind rough, full of sound.

soul search, listen up.

spoken word, shooting up.

say enough, sing away.

lead it on, catch a ray.

lips moving, ears racing.

final count, thoughts abating.